Better off Alone
by wickedlfairy17
Summary: Bella has something to say to Edward after he finds her again, he left her first, she would leave him now. Still, that is not the end of it, she needs to say something to him, can he change her mind? ExB
1. Chapter 1

**This is just a oneshot I've been toying with in my mind since I heard this song. Lol ENJOY!**

It had been eight months, twelve days, and twenty-two hours since the day Edward walked out of my life taking my heart with him. I was like a zombie for a while, going through the motions of living without acknowledging anything really. I had become more of an ordainment than a person and I couldn't shake myself out of the darkness he had left me in that day. For fourth straight months it was like I was already dead and just waiting for my body to realize it wasn't suppose to live without the heart Edward had walked away with so indifferently that day.

Jacob was the one who showed me the way out of that darkness I had been dwelling in, he had made what was left of my heartbeat even though I hadn't wanted it to. He had become my personal sun, lighting up my life and warming me with his tenderness. It had not lasted, within a month things had changed once more and I was left in the darkness alone again. Jacob had changed into a 'werewolf' by two months in and by the end of the third month of us being together in a strange friendship he had imprinted on a pretty girl from out of town.

Her name was Jesse; she was wild, free and very much like Jacob. However, he had promised he would not leave me like Edward had, he had promised. But some promises weren't meant to be kept; I knew from the moment he had laid eyes on her that I was going to be alone again. This was harder for me to endure than being around Sam and Emily had, Jacob, my sun, was in love and I couldn't stand being near them. It had pained him, I knew it had but I had avoided him for about a week afterwards.

It was then that I had made a choice; in the dead of the night I left Forks, Washington and made my way out into the world. I could no longer stay there it was just too painful for me, I left Charlie a note and said good-bye to all the things that had kept me tied there. I had said good-bye to the man who had stolen my heart; to the love I had once felt and to the joy it had brought to my life. I said goodbye but it still hurt more than words could ever have the hope of describing.

I traveled around for a while, going wherever the mood struck me and eventually I ended up here in this quiet little town in Canada. They spoke French here, English too, but I was getting the hang of it. I was waitressing at a popular bar, one that had a live band, and served a lot of random truckers that passed through. This was a passing town, no one stayed for long but it was nice enough while it lasted. I had rented a small cottage not far from work so I could walk here when I felt inclined to. I'm not sure what had happened to start it all, but one day I was thrown up on stage by some drunken regulars and had been forced to sing.

Apparently I wasn't half-bad so every so often someone would throw me upstage and the crowd would chant 'sing' so with little choice I would. At first it was all for fun, silly, but then slowly it became something more for me. It became a way to express everything I had kept inside of me, the pain, the heartache, the loneliness and really it was like therapy. It was the same tonight, they were chanting for a song and with a rosy blush staining my face I went up to the microphone and I stood there in the spotlight for a moment.

The door opened in back and a gusty chilly wind caught my attention drawing my eyes to the door, and there he was the one I had lost my heart to and the one I longed to forget. I shut my eyes against the tears, wondering why he was here and why he had to be here now. They were still chanting sing so I took a deep breath and kept my eyes closed. I knew if I opened my eyes and looked at his beautiful face I would not be able to sing tonight. I would not recover from the pain.

**One thing I'm wondering, when you run out of friends will you be coming back home?**

**Let's think this through again, let's take a different spin,**

**Why can't I leave you alone?**

I thought of my birthday, the party that had started this all, the haunted nights pining for him and the arguments we always got in for some odd reason.

**Somewhere tonight, you may be found**

**With some other girl you've been dragging around**

**You lie to yourself, you lie to me**

**Seems like the truth is your worst enemy**

I remembered all the times he promised not to leave, all the whispered 'I love yous' and the way he had held me at night. It was all a lie, I hadn't been good enough to keep him and I remembered all the arguments we had about changing me.

'**Cause Baby I'm TIRED, I'm tired of the fight**

**I'm tired of the lonely days and the dark endless nights**

**It's taken some time 'cause I didn't know if I had the strength to let you go **

**You helped me figure it out, I'm better off alone**

**Oh, I'm better off alone, yes I am**

I had been alone for so long now, before Edward I had been alone but I had been somewhat content with it. But he had given me a glimpse of what it was to be loved and I knew now I was better off alone. Better off never knowing what it was I was missing.

**I may be found somewhere tonight cursing the day you walked into my life**

**But what's done is done, I can't change time**

**But I'll be damned if I'm not gonna TRY, oh I'm gonna try**

I did try, endlessly to forget his face, forget the way he had held me close and the way he struck me speechless and the way he had loved me. Even if it was only a lie.

**But Baby I'm tired, I'm tired of the fight,**

**I'm tired of the lonely days and the dark endless nights**

**It's taken some time 'cause I didn't know if I had the strength to let you go**

**You helped me figure it out, I'm better off alone**

I opened my eyes then, I was strong enough I hoped for this, I sought him out with my eyes. At first I couldn't see him so I kept singing, bolstered by that fact for a brief moment.

**But every now and then my heart gives in**

**To the hope that someday you'll change**

**Then alone I'll wake to my own mistakes**

**That it's just a foolish game**

I searched the room and for a shining moment I had thought I had imagined him walking through that door, but then I found him standing in the back head bowed. Just the sight of him brought it all back, all the fights, his over protectiveness, his refusal to let me run my own life and make my own choices. It all just made me feel resigned to the fact that he had never wanted to spend forever with me.

**I'm tired, I'm tired of the fight**

**I'm tired of the lonely lonely days and the DARK endless nights**

**You didn't think 'cause you didn't know**

**That I'd find the strength to let you go, let you go**

**I finally figured it out, I'm better off alone**

**Oh, I'm better off alone, yeah**

He looked up at me then, I saw pain in his eyes, and the tears I hadn't known were there spilled down my cheeks. With our eyes locked I just had to know.

**One thing before I go**

**Something I got to know**

I stared at his eyes; he knew this was for him.

**Boy, did you ever love me?**


	2. Chapter 2

A.N.** I heard this song and couldn't help but think that this must have been how Bella felt in New moon, that evolved to this without any planning on my part and so here it is. I'm not sure where this is going but I do think this is a song you should listen to, lol, here you go. **

The crowd cheered, whistled, clapped, and made a raucous for me. They always did this but tonight it was like I was standing out of my body, and they were cheering for someone else. Soon the heady chanting of, 'encore', 'encore' was being called I never got off with just one song they always asked for more. My eyes were still locked with Edward's and I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing here now.

What was he doing here, standing there, looking so hurt and sad. He had no right to be here, not after what he did to me, not after he had ripped my heart out and left me bleeding. He shouldn't be here, this was my journey to find myself not my way back to him. He had left me, he didn't love me and he shouldn't be here now doing this to me.

What did he think would happen? That I'd smile, that I would be grateful he found me? No, it just made that hole in my heart open a little wider seeing him here. Seeing him looking so sorry. I could tell he wanted me to come down from the spotlight, to listen to him, to hear his explanations but I couldn't move.

I just kept thinking back to the beginning, how he would pull me close then push me away for my own 'safety' back when I didn't know he was a vampire. He would pull away, leave me cold but as soon as he talked to me again or apologized it was like it never happened. I gave into him every time.

Well…not any longer. "encore…encore…encore!" I stepped back up to the microphone to be greeted with loud applause and Edwards disappointed eyes. My throat was husky from tears when I said, "This one's for you baby."

Say your sorry

**That face of an angel comes out**

**Just when you need it to**

Edward always reminded me of an angel, he was so beautiful.

As I pace back and forth all this time

'**Cause I honestly believe in you**

I thought back to that day in the forest, of course I believed him when he said he didn't love me.

Holdin' on

**The days drag on**

**Stupid girl, should've known**

**I should have known**

A part of me never believed I was good enough for him, I never really believed he could love me. I wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough. I didn't really think Edward could love someone as plain as me…and I was right.

That I'm not the princess

**This ain't a fairytale**

**I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet **

**Lead her up the stairwell**

**This ain't Hollywood **

**This is a small town **

**I was a dreamer before you went and let me down**

**Now it's too late for you and your white horse **

**To come around**

I dreamed of forever with him, of an endless love that outlasted everything and a happiness that knew no bounds. That was a dream and now I knew reality. The truth is in the real world someone like Edward never falls for someone like me. Our love was like a fairytale, and it had to end sometime.

Maybe I was naïve

**Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance**

**My mistake I didn't know to be in love**

**You had to fight to have the upper hand**

**I had so many dreams about you and me**

**Happy endings,**

**Now I know**

Edward's eyes, that molten topaz or that hungry black, they would haunt me for the rest of my days. I couldn't escape those eyes like I couldn't escape the truth about our relationship and my own suffocating love for him. The hole in my chest opened up a bit more at the thought and my arms went around me in that familiar gesture trying to hold myself together.

That I'm not the princess

**This ain't a fairytale**

**I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet **

**Lead her up the stairwell**

**This ain't Hollywood **

**This is a small town **

**I was a dreamer before you went and let me down**

**Now it's too late for you and your white horse **

**To come around**

I wasn't the girl Edward was destined for, I wasn't the princess and he certainly wasn't my knight in shining armor. He left me to Victoria, to Laurent, and the wolves. He left me to heartache and despair. He left me to sleepless nights and haunting nightmares. Yet here he was standing there looking like all he wanted to do was sweep me up into his arms again.

**And there you are on your knees,**

**Beggin' for forgiveness, **

**Beggin' for me**

**Just like I always wanted but I'm sooo sorry…**

A part of me wanted him to be the one, be my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armor but he was not mine anymore. Not any longer. I wanted him but he had not wanted me. The tears I had not noticed streamed down my face and tasted salty on my tongue.

That I'm not your princess

**This ain't a fairytale**

**I'm gonna find someone someday who might ACTUALLY**

**Treat me well**

**This is a big world**

**That was a small town **

**There in my rear view mirror disappearin' now**

**Now it's too late for you and your white horse**

**Now it's too late for you and your white horse**

**To catch me now…**

I left Forks, I had left that small town full of fairytales and broken dreams. I had run away so that I might see the world, see what this big world had to offer a girl like me. And here he was, appearing just as suddenly as he had left, looking at me with those hurt expecting eyes and thinking I'd listen to him explain. Well, I had my motorcycle at the cottage and my bags were always packed.

Whoa ohhh ohhhh oh

**Try to catch me now, **

**Ohhh**

**It's too late….**

I decided then I wasn't going to listen, he might be fast but I was praying my bike was faster.

**To catch me now.**

Our eyes were still locked; the crowd was clapping again, whistling, shouting and hollering. "Hey there folks, why don't you give a big warm welcome to my lovely EX and muse for tonight," I held out my hand in Edward's direction soon he was trapped in a spotlight that had abandoned me, "EDWARD CULLEN!"

He looked stunned, the crowd rounded on him trapping him with their bodies…it was just what I needed to slip away. While he was trapped by them, I ran my way to my little cottage and grabbed my bags leaving a small note to say goodbye. It was forks all over again, I was running but I didn't know where. All I knew was I was not ready to face him yet. The engine roared, a small little piece of me cried out at making it before Edward could get to me, it protested as I sped down the pavement and ran from him.

I didn't listen to what was left of my heart as I drove away and felt it breaking. I was hurting but I could deal as I had since he walked away. Still, I couldn't help but wonder what he had been doing here tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N. So I remembered this song and thought, huh, and so here you go. The song is let me let go by Faith hill if you want to give it a listen while your reading it is so much more powerful that way.**

I've been running for a while now, eventually I was going to have to face him. I would need to face him, for answers, for closure…maybe that was why I was running so hard to avoid that. Closure would mean it was done, that what we had was gone and there was no going back. That thought alone terrified me. I loved him, more than words could express, more than I ever knew a heart could hold, my love for him encompassed me and I didn't know what I would be if I let him go.

This journey had started because I had needed to find myself, but all I have found so far is more heartache with heavy doses of indecision. I don't know where I'm going, some days I would just take a road and see where it took me. When I needed money I picked up odd jobs, cleaning, waitressing, singing, all sorts of odd things. It got me by but I never stayed anywhere for more than a few weeks before I moved on.

Tonight I was in a nice looking restaurant, nice but affordable, the live band always drew in a pretty big crowd. The dance floor brought in more couples than I liked but I didn't let that stop me from working. I've been singing here for the last two weeks and I liked the place, it was comfortable. No one really bothered me, and as long as I performed well I got paid well. It was a good gig for me. This night was special because I was finally going to sing something I had written.

The band had my sheet music and I was nervous as hell in my dressing room getting ready. I had gotten a drop dead gorgeous red dress that looked good on me, it was a little tight but I could deal with it. Thanks to riding my bike everywhere I had gotten more coordinated so I wouldn't make a fool of myself in this thing. It hugged my body in the right places, it was strapless so that worried me a bit but it was so tight I doubt I needed to get worked up.

The slit up my right leg allowed me to walk easily enough, I had curled my hair, letting it lose falling in waves around my face. I didn't put too much make-up on but I did have some mascara along with a bit of lip-gloss on. I thought I didn't look half bad tonight, which was good cause I didn't want to end up crying my eyes out after this song. I still used my songs to get things off my chest, and to lift my heartache for a bit. Deep breath, and Joyce knocked on my door telling me it was time.

The boys in the band stopped prepping for tonight when they saw me, Joey even dropped his drumstick and I took that as a compliment. I smiled at them nervously and we walked out to the stage together where crowd of people were waiting for us. I was nervous, something about tonight was unsetting it was almost like I could feel all the things I was running from creeping up on me. Sometimes I feared I would look up and see Edward there, again waiting for me like he had that night I'd run from the bar.

The fear kept me from going home because I was afraid to face him and his rejection once more. I don't think my heart could take breaking anymore; I just wanted to be left alone in this so I could find my own way out. The love I felt for Edward would probably never fade, I had accepted this for what it was and I was hoping that time would help me let go of him. He was still the stick I measured every man by and they always, always, came up short for me. It killed me that I couldn't let him go no matter how much I tried to move on from this.

It wasn't healthy and it wasn't fair, that was life I guess. Edward had always been meant for someone better than me but still I held him in my heart. I knew that when I saw him again that this time I wouldn't run, it would break my heart to speak to him again but I needed to get by this. I was strong enough now I think to face him and how happy he would be without me to complicate his life. So as the lights dimmed a bit and the spotlight found me I closed my eyes. I imagined his face and knew that tonight I was singing to him.

**I thought it was over, baby  
**

**We said our goodbyes  
**

**But I can't go a day without your face  
**

**Goin' through my mind**

It was true; I never could get past him even in my head. He was always there, that small voice warning me against doing something to harm myself, the memory of him haunted me. As I opened my eyes to look out at the crowd I wasn't surprised this time to see him there, staring up at me. It was as if my song had summoned him to me tonight. ****

In fact, not a single minute  


**Passes without you in it  
**

**Your voice, your touch, memories of your love  
**

**Are with me all of the time  
**

I hated that I couldn't get past him that I could never make myself love another. I was angry he left but mostly I was sad. I wanted to be done with it, I wanted to mourn his loose in peace but here he was again. It was like I fell in love again every time I looked at him, it was unfair and involuntary. I'd give anything to know his secret of falling out of love; I wished I could stop loving him as easily as he had stopped loving me. But I couldn't so here I am, singing my heart out again.

**  
Let me let go, baby  
**

**Let me let go  
**

**If this is for the best  
**

**Why are you still in my heart  
**

**Are you still in my soul  
**

**Let me let go**

Edward looked pained listening to me, I knew I wasn't the greatest singer but still it hurt him to listen to me. I was no where near as talented as him but still it made me angrier to see him there listening to me pour my heart out. He had no right to show up again, yet here he was and so I sang. ****

I talked to you the other day  


**Looks like you made your escape  
**

**You put us behind, no matter how I try  
**

**I can't do the same**

I thought of that day, that day he had left me in the woods, how he had said his words so easily and it broke my heart all over again. I could not help but look at him and remember his cold words. He was still as beautiful and as unreachable as the first time I had seen him from across the room. I had run away from the memories for so long now that seeing him here now made them all the harder to bear. Still, I couldn't help but wonder why he was here tonight. ****

Let me let go, baby  


**Let me let go  
**

**It just isn't right  
**

**I've been two thousand miles  
**

**Down a dead-end road**

Eventually I had accepted that this journey of mine was not helping me in the slightest. It was a dead end from the beginning but still I had run, afraid to face him. I was tired of running I just wanted to get it over with, a part of me just wanted to fade from existence quietly just to escape this shattered heart of mine. I sang the words while unconsciously reaching out to him, passion filling my voice and actions contradicting my words. ****

Let me let go, darlin', won't you  


**I just gotta know, yeah  
**

**If this is for the best  
**

**Why are you still in my heart  
**

**Are you still in my soul  
**

**Let me let go**

Some days I wondered what would have happened if I had fought back the day Edward had revealed he didn't love me anymore. What would he have done if I had shouted my denial? Still, I knew I couldn't do something like that because in my heart I had been waiting for him to leave me. Waiting for him to wake up to the fact I didn't deserve someone as beautiful and as perfect as him. ****

The lights of this strange city are shinin'  


**But they don't hold no fascination for me  
**

**I try to find the bright side, baby  
**

**But everywhere I look  
**

**Everywhere I turn  
**

**You're all I see**

It was true, all I saw when I opened my eyes was him, in memory or in reality Edward was my whole world. Yet here he was standing no more than a few feet from me and I could not do anything but reach out for him knowing he'd never take my hand again. Such was the pain of unrequited love, the thought made me sing harder. ****

Let me, let me let go, baby, won't you  


**Let me let go  
**

**It just isn't right  
**

**I've been two thousand miles  
**

**Down a dead-end road**

I looked him in the eyes while I sang, begging him to give me back my heart yet knowing I could never take it back from him. He had my heart, my soul; I had been willing once to even give him my life, and he had not wanted it. I would probably die alone in this world still pining for him but that didn't mean I wanted to do such a thing. I really wanted to move on from this love, this pain, but every time I tried something would keep me from doing it. Tonight it was him, standing their with that pained expression, that kept me from letting him go. ****

Oh, let me let go, darlin', won't you  


**I just gotta know  
**

**If this is for the best  
**

**Why are you still in my heart  
**

**Yeah, you're still in my soul, **

**let me let go  
**

**Let me let go, let me let go**

Even as I sang the words I knew Edward would never be able to give me back the heart he had taken from me, because I didn't want it back. I loved him I accepted that I would die loving him but it didn't make facing him any easier. I let the cheers wash over me and I smiled a sad smile at the crowd before turning the mike over to Cole the other singer. I walked off the stage slowly; stomach sinking with every step brought me closer to him.

He was waiting for me at the end of the stage just off to the side of the bouncer, I nodded to John to let him know I was ok before I headed over to him. Edward had not changed; he was still as young and as beautiful as I remembered. Somehow I managed to make it to stand by him, "I suppose you being here means you wish to speak with me?" Edward nodded his head, I guess deeming me unworthy of speech at the moment so I just sighed. I wanted to get this over with and so I lead him back to my dressing room.

I closed and locked the door after we entered I doubted Edward wanted anyone to overhear us, I didn't want that either. "Bella…I…" He began but I turned from him I couldn't take looking at his face. "Just say it already Edward," I said somewhat harshly. "Please, Bella I'm so sorry. There are no words that could describe how much I've missed you! I was an utter fool to have left, I see that now but if you'll let me I give anything to make it up to you. Just please, Bella, please look at me," He said his voice clouded with pain, regret and anguish.

My fists were clenched at my sides, how many times had I imagined those words coming out of his mouth? How many times had I longed for him to return to me and tell me he loved me still? Yet, hearing it now just made me furiously angry. How dare he! He left me, not the other way around. I refused to look at him instead choosing to talk to my door, "Why did you leave then Edward?" "I thought it was for the best, having me in your life just put you in harms way. First James and then what happened on your birthday. Even my family wasn't safe to be around and after Jasper's attack on you I had decided it would be best if I left so you could have a normal life, a normal husband, kids, everything I couldn't give you. I'm a danger to you Bella," He whispered brokenly.

I faced him then furious, I let the anger help me say what I needed to, "Had you ever thought about what I wanted Edward? What my opinion of it all really was? No! You never once thought of talking it over with me! You just sat there, freezing me out the days before you left me not saying one god damned word! We were never on equal footing Edward, I was always a lesser being to you!" "That's not true Bella I love you!" "Not enough to respect me! Obviously! You made decisions for me, without asking me, did you even give a thought about letting me decide? No! You didn't you just left me, like a discarded toy you were done playing with! Weren't those your own words Edward, 'You're tired of playing human'. You treated me more like a pet than an equal," I was yelling now I was so spitting angry.

Not for the first time I was glad the walls were plenty thick. Edward looked like he was stunned, he stood there frozen, and I couldn't take it anymore I stormed out. I headed to the back door, hoping to get some air and to clear my head. Of course Alice was waiting for me in the alleyway. I glared at her, "What are you doing here?" I hissed at her and I think if she had been human she would have flinched. "Bella I know your hurting, but please will you talk to him? He loves you, I understand what you're going through…" Here I interrupted her because I was still spitting mad.

"Don't give me that Alice, you left too! And you could NEVER, **never**, understand the pain I am going through. Has Jasper ever left you after telling you he didn't love you anymore! Has your family ever just disappeared on you without so much as a goodbye leaving you there alone in your pain!? No I don't think so! So don't you _DARE_ try to say you 'understand' because you could never!" There was a sound behind me and I turned to see Edward's heartbroken face. I hated that I wanted to wrap him up in my arms then to comfort him. Where had he been when I had been broken on the forest floor? It just wasn't fair not at all.

I turned back to go inside, it would be my turn to sing again soon. I was sure we weren't done talking tonight but I couldn't stand to look at them. Who were they to just decide to walk in and out of my life! I wouldn't let them try to control me anymore, I was sick of this and of them. I was just so angry, because how could I believe either of them? Edward had said he had loved me once before and look where I am now because of it. Why should I believe him now that he says he loves me again?


End file.
